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bungou stray dogs
nakajima atsushibungou stray dogs
TW: Extreme self-loathing and depression, mentions of self harm/suicidal tendencies in passing
"Get out you good for nothing! Everyone would be better off if you died in a ditch somewhere!
Who knew two sentences could affect someone's life so much? They're just words, they shouldn't matter as much as they did. Your whole life shouldn't have been altered forever just for hearing them. Your self esteem shouldn't have taken the nose dive it did. At least that's what others tell you. What those at the Armed Detective Agency tell you. But they have........and it did.
The other kids weren't treated the way you were. Weren't forced onto the streets like you were. Even after realizing that the other kids weren't tigers with abilities who couldn't control their powers, you still have to wonder. The fact that you couldn't control your ability, that's your fault. It makes you weak and stupid right? So are they right?
It repeats in your mind. They're right. They're right!
You are worthless.
You've got a job. You the one they deemed worthless, somehow managed to land a job with a group of important people. People that others might deem superheroes. They have abilities like out of a manga, and while you knew about abilities, you'd never expected to be one of those that had them. You don't know what the Armed Detective Agency wants with someone like you. Especially since you know the truth.
The tiger, the one that everyone had been tracking. The one that had damaged the orphanage where you lived. It was you. That explained everything, why they'd kicked you out. No wonder they'd hated you. You had this ability, you were gifted, but you couldn't control it. What good was something like this Beast in the Moonlight if you couldn't get a handle on it. What if you hurt someone? Was it true, would you be better off in a ditch somewhere.
Yet when they put you to the test, having one of the Armed Detective Agency members, Tanazaki, pretend there was a bomb, you'd done what they wanted. Not in the way they'd expected, no you'd practically thrown yourself into harms way in ways they hadn't even thought to think you might. Covering the bomb with your body to ensure the safety of others. You hadn't even thought you'd do something like that.
Maybe you don't know yourself as well as you thought you did.
It was all your fault!
Your gaze drifts to Naomi's body on the ground, hears Tanazaki's anguished and angered cries. Rage fills you as you look up at the Port Mafia's grunt worker, the woman you'd thought you were working for. It turns out that she was just trying to get you alone so she could attack. That would have been bad enough, having your employer turn on you but when the man in black showed up and attacked Tanizaki. When he said that they were after you, something inside you snaps.
People are dead now, people who didn't deserve to die, and it's all your fault. The bounty on your head is what brought these monsters down on you and the other two members of the agency. You try to strike back, try to fight, try to avenge your companions. Akutagawa, that's his name, he's too strong. His ability is like nothing you've seen. Granted you haven't seen many abilities by now, but his is on a completely different level. As you lapse into unconsciousness after your leg is ripped from your body, you have to question.
If your tiger isn't strong enough to fight back, what good are you? To the Armed Detective Agency? To anyone? Was the orphanage right about you?
You can hear Kenji-san yelling as he tosses the unconscious bodies of the Port Mafia's strongest military members out the window, but it sounds like muffled background noise.
"The worst possible outcome."
That's what Kunikida had said, trying to pretend he was not concerned while reading his notebook upside down. The man was not easily ruffled so you knew something had to be wrong. Something serious. It had left a pit in your stomach, but you'd known what you had to do. You called Higuchi, and let her know you were leaving and going on the run.
People at your orphanage had suffered because of you. Tanizaki and Naomi were lucky to be alive by means you are unsure of at the moment. These people have been so kind to you and you know you don't deserve it. After all, the world would be better if you just died in a ditch somewhere. You won't let anyone suffer because of you anymore.
Then you find out they're attacking the Armed Detective Agency, your phone call meant nothing. It's your fault, and as you race back you promise that if they're dead you'll find a way to make yourself pay. After all, you're not strong enough to make the Port Mafia pay.
And then you find out the truth. You've been underestimating the Detective Agency. Kunikida's "worst possible outcome" was smoothing things over with the residents of Yokohama with gifts of appeasement. Part of you wants to punch the man, but the tears of relief win out.
Ranpo seemed arrogant when you first met him. You don't understand why you have to follow him on a case. Really, what can you do, you're not great at detective work. You really just follow the others and have more use as an errand boy than an actual detective solving things. Then again, as you and Dazai (there after another suicide attempt of course) watch him solve the case, you have to admit he wouldn't have needed much help from anyone.
His ability is impressive and it's even more so when Dazai reveals it's not an ability at all. Still, it seems Ranpo doesn't realize that. You wonder how one man can be so naive about something about himself. You don't seem to realize that in a way, you're similar, you're naive about your abilities too.
You don't understand Kunikida, having so many requirements for everything has to be setting yourself up for failure. You worry about the man, so much stress and anger cannot be good for his health. Still, with a partner like Dazai (you still cannot figure out why those two were paired together) you cannot blame him for worrying. The whole agency has strange interactions. Dazia and Kunikida cannot get along but work so well together. Naomi and Tanizaki, you're not sure you want to know. The doctor is the one they entrust their lives to but everyone seems terrified of her. And yet somehow, they all manage to work well together. You don't know if you'll ever find your place, but you find yourself hoping you can.
Everything changed the day you met Kyouka. The doctor took you out to run errands, and it seemed like everything was going to be normal. And then the Port Mafia decided to test out bombs on a train, and everything went downhill. When you were trying to find the way to disarm it was when you ran into a young girl. Pretty black hair, big blue eyes, so innocent looking. You didn't even consider for a moment that she could be part of the Port Mafia but then you find out that she's gifted. Not only is she gifted, but she's an assassin for the Port Mafia. They're using her, treating her like a tool. Suddenly all you want is to save her.
When she tries to detonate the bomb, just so she won't have to kill anyone else, you can't let her die. As you detach the bomb and fall into the water with her all you can think is It's not her fault, it's not her fault, it's not her fault.
As you decide to take Kyouka out on a date to try to lift her spirits, and to get your mind off the fact that a few members of the Agency want to turn her in, you have to wonder where Dazai is. Surely he would not let her be turned in to the police where she'll be executed. You wonder if he's okay, no one else seems to care. You just don't get it, how can they not care about someone who is constantly wanting to hurt himself. His relationship with the people at the Agency really doesn't make sense to you sometimes.
You have so much fun with Kyouka (even though she spent a lot of your money), taking her out to dinner, on the Ferris wheel, grabbing crepes and she seems so happy. She seems like she's enjoying her life like a girl her age should. Then she stops outside the police station, saying she wants to turn herself in. She doesn't want to hurt anyone again. You don't want to let her go, how can you just let her give up on herself.
Luckily, or unluckily considering the circumstances, you don't have to as you are both abducted by the Port mafia soon after she says she wants to turn herself in. You didn't think you're rage at Akutagawa could get worse, until you hear the way he speaks to Kyouka. The indignity she's having to suffer from him infuriates you and you explode. What gives him the right to deny her knowing she has a purpose? What gives him the right to make her feel worthless? What gives anyone the right to make anyone feel that way?
When Kunikida shows up and tells you to leave her, that you can't save everyone, your heart breaks. You refuse, you fight, you may not be able to save everyone, but you can at least try to save her.
When you rescue her and take her back to the agency you almost expect them to force you to turn her in. You thought you'd have to fight tooth and nail to keep her around. As soon as you walk in though, it seems everyone but Kunikida is completely enamored with her. Especially Rampo which is odd because it rarely seems like he likes anyone outside of Fukizawa.
And Fukizawa......as soon as Kyouka asks to stay, begs to be given a place to fit in, it's like he melts under the sway of her blue eyes. Sometimes you wonder if she doesn't have other abilities that aren't based in Demon Snow.
When you leave with Tanizaki and Naomi to investigate disappearances, you have to admit you're not expecting what happens. Sure you knew things could get bad but being trapped in a random creepy brightly colored world with a young woman, that was no on your list of things that could happen for the day. Lucy wants to play a game, and you wonder how dangerously deranged she really is. Then she tells the truth, explains her past, explains why she is the way she is.
You could have told her you understand, you could have told her the truth about you, because her hatred is unwarranted. For a moment though all you can think of is how in the world these organizations justify using innocent people who've been wronged by the world to meet their means. To do their dirty work.
When you win against her, when she fails because of you, you try to offer your help. She doesn't want anything to do with it, with you. You can't blame her.
You feelings on Kyouka joining the agency are so conflicted at times. All you can hear over and over are Akutagawa's comments that she will never have a purpose outside of killing. You try to tell yourself that you don't believe that, that she isn't a monster, and then her first assignment happens. As soon as you mention finding a way to get past a guard, the first thing she thinks of is murder. How is she supposed to fit in at the agency when she cannot get past how the Port Mafia does things. The mission is a disaster and as you meet her in the garden to try to cheer her up, you find yourself angry. Not at her, but at yourself. How is she supposed to believe in herself if you can't believe in her.
You shove away your doubts and smile, not wanting her to doubt herself. Knowing that if she can just figure out her ability she can use it to benefit, she has to be able to. No one's only purpose is to kill. Somehow your mind likens her to you, you figure if she can find her place with her ability, if she can find her purpose, that means you have one too. If you can save her, then that means you were worth being saved.
And then that woman shows up and attacks you. You didn't see it coming, you'd thought her phone was deactivated. She too says Kyouka can never have a place and all you can hear is the orphanage owners. It's too familiar a sting and you try to fight, but this woman's ability. It's the same as Kyouka's. You find yourself impaled (again!) and stuck to a pillar. You can't do anything, you feel weak, you feel helpless, you feel worthless, again.
This little girl, this broken human being, offers to go back to the people that hurt her, to save you You want to scream at her to let you die, anything to keep her from returning to the Port Mafia but the pain wracks you and you can't say anything. You couldn't fight, you couldn't keep her safe, you're worthless.
Then Kyouka fights back, pushes back, and you want to cheer. She makes a choice for light, to fight for her happiness, to fight not to have to hurt anyone again. Then Kouyou reveals the truth about her parents......and all the fight leaves her. She says that you could never care about someone that's done that. If the shock didn't have such a firm hold on you, you'd scream out that it's a lie. You don't know the details, but there had to be a reason. There has to be more to it, and you know it.
Kunikida's "weretigers are supposed to be tough" comment just drives home how worthless you feel when the agency shows up. Maybe they can save Kyouka, stop her from being stolen, since you failed so miserably at it. Then the Guild shows up and everyone is almost killed. You didn't think it was possible to love and hate an ability so much. If it weren't for Yosano you'd all be dead, but why does it have to be so painful In the end, it didn't matter, Kyouka was taken. The Port Mafia has her again, and it's all because of you.
At least Kouyou was captured when Kyouka disappeared. When Dazai meets with her, you're forced out of the room. You're so angry, all she can say is Kyouka doesn't belong with you, that she was rooted in darkness. Her voice changes to the voices that told you that you'd never be good enough, that you'd be better off dead, and if Dazai hadn't shoved you out of that room, you know you would have torn her to shreds. Part of you is happy he did, but then part of her wishes he'd let you.
You don't know much about the president but you're worried when Kunikida says he was attacked by the enemy. After all, they're the Port Mafia and he's only one man. Kunikida assures you he can handle himself and you can only hope he's right. When you're told you are changing places, moving somewhere else, well a lump fills your throat. When the Port Mafia came after the Agency, all they did was worry about apologizing for the ruckus. Now they're going into hiding.
Just how scary can this Guild be?
You're reminded of how worthless you are the day you meet Q
You'd just gone to the train station to meet Naomi and Haruno, after they were attacked by the guild. The small boy they met on the train that they introduce you to seems harmless enough. He's just a child after all, completely innocent, at least that's how appearances seem. You should have known better than to be drawn into appearances, especially after Kyouka.
When he bumps you, he shows you razors wrapped around his arm, and you don't understand at all. Why in the world would he want to be cut up every time someone touches him. Does he hate himself too and just expresses it in different ways. And then Naomi and Haruno attack you and you're left realizing that this child is the enemy. Another gifted with a dangerous ability. You have to protect the girls from themselves. You ignore the voices telling you you cannot protect anyone and strive to ensure their safety. To prove you've changed, that you're useful.
And then Dazai comes back, and you realize you've been fooled. These girls weren't the one affected by his ability, you were. You almost killed two innocent women. Everything that happens between Dazai and Q fades into the background. All you can hear is the reminder that you've failed, you haven't changed. You couldn't protect them, you almost cost them their lives, you're a monster. A beast, you're useless, useless, USELESS!!!!
The smack across your face snaps you out of your inner tirade, your inner psychotic break and you look up at Dazai. It's the first time he's actually been harsh with you, and it stuns you for a moment. Reminds you so much of those orphanage owners, that you almost cry. Flashbacks nearly start up again before he speaks. And those words, though not phrased the nicest way, remind you just how different he truly is. "Don't pity yourself."
You wonder why not but then he explains, tells you that you cannot truly move on from the past until you stop feeling sorry for yourself. You decide to try. You decide to try to move on, to get past the past. You don't know if you'll be able to, but you can make the effort, for him.
Your assumption that Kyouka was taken back to the Port Mafia was wrong, thankfully for you. If she hadn't shown up to save you from Fitzgerald, you're not sure if he'd have found a way to actually kill you and keep you down. After she helps you escape she explains that she wants to help the Agency, that she wants to live in the light and use her ability to help people.
You're both proud and saddened. Proud because she wants to fight back, to help the good, but saddened because this means she will have to kill again. She's so young, she shouldn't have to deal with these things. She could have avoided the violence if she'd just stayed away.
And then the police showed up and everything changed, it became obvious to you that though she might want to make the right decision, to be good, it's unclear whether she's able to. Her automatic response to danger is still to kill to protect herself. You want to believe it can change, but it's been proven time and time again, that that at least hasn't shifted.
You're still contemplating how to deal with that when the Guild members show up and you're knocked unconscious again.
When you wake up, Kyouka is nowhere to be found and you're dragged into a meeting with Fitzgerald. He tells you his plan to use Q's curse on everyone in the city. Tells you you're the map to some treasure and that's why he's wanted you this whole time. You're being saved, and everyone else is being destroyed. You try to offer him the chance to work with you and Agency, tell him you're going to cooperate if he just doesn't destroy the doll's head to trigger Q's curse.
You think for a moment it will work, and then he tears it and your heart breaks. Yet again, you've failed. Yet again you've caused destruction to the people you care about.
When you see Lucy again, and realize she's a member of the Guild, you try to appeal to the goodness you know is buried under her layers of hurt, you tell her the truth about you. About everything you've been through, everything you'd suffered. How the orphanage president abused you. You know even your parents didn't want you, they tried to kill you, hurt you. You've wondered if you even deserve to live ever since. You understand her pain, but you remind her that if she lets this happen, she's subjecting other people who have been through the same to more pain. More suffering.
When you tell her you're going to jump from the Moby Dick to get the doll to Dazai she reminds you you'll most likely be killed. You explain that you have to try, that you have to ensure the safety of the city above your own. She pulls you into her room, let's you out through a hidden exit. You know that the Guild will not take kindly to her betrayal. She could end up hurt, dead, because of this choice. You promise to come back, you promise to save her.
Even though you wanted her to help you can't help but worry about her as you step out into the open air. She can't hide in that room forever. Can she?
As you fall you see both the Port Mafia and the Agency working to protect Yokohama. Despite the intentions being selfish, you realize that the Port Mafia doesn't want Yokohama to be destroyed any more than the Agency does.
And suddenly you get it, you have an idea, you know how to defeat the Guild.
Still, you can't tell anyone your plan to defeat the Guild if no one survives Q's curse and when you're falling, anti-air guns start trying to take you out. You managed to hit the ground, and you start to run, but no matter how fast you are, no matter how hard you try, you cannot seem to make it. You knew you were a failure, all along, but somehow it stings more right now.
Then Dazai shows up and stops the curse, and covers the fire with pink smoke, something he had set up before hand. Which means he always believed you would make it, that you would stop things. For some reason Dazai believes in you when you can hardly believe in yourself. You don't know why but you're thankful for it.
When you hear Rampo and Dazai discussing the plan to have you infiltrate the Moby Dick on your own, you wonder what Dazai is thinking. First off, shouldn't they consult you before they plan something so reckless since you'll be on your own. Second, when you talk to Dazai about it, you have to wonder if you even can. You don't want the fate of the War to rest solely in your hands. Still, you remember that old saying that you can only regret the things you did not do in life. You don't want that to be a concern on your deathbed.
While you and Tanizaki are on the way to the hanger he tells you that Kyouka isn't a member of the Agency yet. That she will have to pass a test like the one you passed. You almost forgot about the bomb incident in all that happened since then, but the moment you recall you're filled with dread. Kyouka, whenever she feels threatened, will seek to destroy the threat. If she had been put in the situation you were in there is no doubt in your mind she would have not made the decision you did. She would have killed whoever she had to to eliminate the threat to her person. It's not her fault, but that doesn't change the fact that you wonder if she can ever truly be a member of the Agency.
When you get on the craft, something is wrong, there's no one there. The whole craft is empty. A sinking feeling falls into the pit of your stomach. When Melville reveals the plan to crash the Moby Dick into the city and have it explode with the force of 141 tons of TNT, you almost want to vomit. Everyone in the city will die, everyone.
Despite his association with the Guild you have to ask him if he can stop the descent but the man says he cannot. You can see in his eyes it's not a case of won't. The ship is no longer under his control. Dazai tells you he knew, that he knew you'd have to take control of the ship yourself, that it was a possibility. His continued belief in your abilities never ceases to amazing you. Especially when you can hardly believe in yourself. You say you will, you cannot bear to be a disappointment.
You have to ask Melville why, why won't he evacuate. He says that this ship used to be beautiful before it was turned into a machine, just like the Guild, that it was his job to go down with the device. That he should die if it was going to be used to kill others. Despite your disagreement with his organization you can't help but respect the resolve he has.
Despite the agreement that you have with the Port Mafia, Akutagawa can't help but show up here. To fight you, not to help. The entire city could be destroyed, everyone could die. And he's trying to make things harder. You don't understand how one human being could be so selfish. Dazai tells you to let him talk to Akutagawa, to tell him that he wants to speak with him, and then throw the phone off the edge. You do, and don't bother to hang around to question the situation. You have to get to the control room.
Fitzgerald is powerful, that's for sure. You can't understand how one man can be willing to destroy a whole city in some stupid bid for power. You should have known better than to try to get the control, should have known he had a trick up his sleeve. You should have known it wouldn't be that easy.
Akutagawa keeps butting into the situation. You just wish he'd leave, that he'd wait until later to continue this idiotic vendetta he has against you. Instead, he approaches while Fitzgerald has you pinned down. Telling you he doesn't understand you. Why does he need to understand you if he wants you dead? He says you always get involved in futile battles when you don't believe you can win.
You remind him that you're fighting for the weak, that you have to try. He says you're fighting for permission to live. Even if you are, even if you are, what is wrong with that? You just want to help people who've been in your place, help those stepped on by the rich and powerful. Maybe you do over-identify with the people around you that you're trying to save but why is that bad? You just want to be strong, to be able to save those who deserved better than they have.
"You're worthless, I'm embarrassed you ever beat me."
"I'm better than you. You're just a murderer who kills to impress people!"
The rage you feel at Akutagawa's insults have the words leaving your mouth without you even realizing it. His face tells you you've messed up in your words as he turns and starts yelling about you not knowing how good you have it. That you have friends, you have a home, and that Dazai gives you praise.
Suddenly it all makes sense. Why Akutagawa is so jealous of you. Why he wants you dead, why he hates you. It's all because of Dazai. His reaction to speaking to Dazai on the telephone earlier makes sense. His comment about his fighting being unimpressive enough to earn a man's respect. A million things click into place and you open your mouth to respond.
"You two are a lot alike!"
Fitzgerald's comment catches both of your attention and your rage turns towards him.
Despite your rage at Fitzgerald's comment you realize that you and Akutagawa cannot keep this fight going with each other and still take Fitzgerald down. You're going to have to work together. Together. The very idea seems odd. But this man, he's too powerful. His ability is too strong. So you call a truce by reminding Akutagawa that if he doesn't help defeat Fitzgerald that Dazai will die too. That you're almost sure that Dazai was already impressed with him. You truly do believe that, Dazai wouldn't put effort into helping someone that he didn't see any potential in.
You have to admit when you fight together, your powers offset each other nicely. You swing into motion, don't even have to speak. You just act, questioning each other not at all. When you're thrown off the edge, you thought for sure you were about to die. And yet, Rashoumon catches you, drags you and you run up it and onto the Moby Dick. His coat wraps around your claw and you throw all the force of your punch into a swing at Fitzgerald. He goes down. He falls over the edge, when you worked together you were strong enough to beat him.
You think how well your powers worked together scared Akutagawa. The first thing he does is threaten to kill you, tell you if he wasn't so weak he'd murder you. You question whether or not that's true to yourself. Whether or not he felt the same connection you did while fighting together.
All in all it doesn't matter, Akutagawa grabbed the switch and you caught it in time. You did it, you stopped the destruction of Yokohama.
Or at least you thought you did, but then something interferes, someone else on the Guild or someone else, you're not sure who. All you know is suddenly the ship starts to descend and this time there's no way you can stop it. Then Kyouka chimes in with an idea, and you're so happy to hear her voice. Especially considering her idea is a good one. Driving a drone into the Moby Dick and then letting it fall into the water.
Then she admits that doing so will kill her, that she's trapped on the drone and cannot escape. You try to stop her, nothing is worth her life. You can't let her do this, there has to be another way. If not then you will have failed. You won't have saved her. When Akutagawa grabs you and drags you from the Moby Dick you want to hit him, you want to scream that she needs you. That you can't allow her to die like this.
When you hit the ground, he calls her a fool and if you would have had the energy you would have picked him up and thrown him into the water. The water that is now Kyouka's grave. Then Dazai speaks and says this was his idea, that it's better this way. You want to scream, how can it be better? How can it be better when she's gone? How can it be better when it's all your fault?
Then Fukizawa reveals why you've been able to control your ability, that Kyouka passed the entrance exam. His ability gives members of the agency complete control over theirs. As Demon Snow deposits Kyouka in front of you, you run to her. You want to drag her into your arms and hold her close. She's not gone, you haven't failed her.
At Kyouka's welcome party, all you can do is smile as you look around. Kunikida's lecture shows immense pride at its heart despite the yelling. Naomi and Haruno forgive your actions so easily, almost as if they hadn't even really considered them since they happened. Everyone is so at ease with each other and happy. You've finally found your home.
And then suddenly, you're ripped away from it. Ending up in Ipsum is depressing and sets you back quite a bit. You've finally found the place you belong and then are stolen from it, do you not deserve even the little bit of happiness. Still, you smile as you finish your placement test and take in everything you are told. Maybe you can help the people here until you can return to your family again.
Also, he has enhanced speed, stamina, strength, durability, and endurance. He excels in close combat but at ranged he's at a disadvantage.
- Lack of control
- Low self esteem
A Dank River Valley Near You
Okay Hippo, I am just blown away by what you have here. Atsushi is such a good kid, with such a hard start. in life. He's so pure and wants to save everyone he can, but sadly, he cannot. He's just so strong without even knowing it, and though he hates himself, he has so much love and caring around him. And you paint this perfectly here. This app was beautiful, with little snippets from each episode of both seasons painting a perfect picture of the weretiger. Please, let me hug him, he's so precious
Welcome to Ipsum Nakajima Atsushi!You have been sorted into SYZYGY! Please be sure to fill out your Claims and your Mini Profile, and let us know that you have finished that here, so we can properly sort you!